He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
