Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
