Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
