I hate all girls vehemently.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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