If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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