you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
zippers are such a cool invention
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I forget how to act sober
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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