Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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