I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
