Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
