So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
