So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
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