I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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