just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
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His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
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The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.