I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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