my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
