Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
