Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
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