Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
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