It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
