I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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