you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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