Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
