so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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