i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
It's blow job season.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
