I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
