dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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