Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
