She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Randomize
