I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
