i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
