god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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