I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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