The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
