We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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