you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Randomize
