I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
