I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
