i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
