If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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