Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
