I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
