i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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