I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
