News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
