Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
