Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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