I smell stomach acid.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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