Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
My ATM looks so different sober.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
