im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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