Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
