i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
