do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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