How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
