I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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