i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
