probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
