You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
