it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
