I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
