Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
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Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
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Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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