dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I wish I only lived at night.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
