Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Enjoy the penises
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
